Two Turtles

Two Turtles

Thank You.

Last night I was extremely thrilled to win the 10th annual Andy Kaufman Award. The show was extremely fun, the other contestants were so goddamn funny, and the overall experience was so humbling and jubilant that I couldn’t even begin to describe it. But I want to put it out there somewhere, without the detached irony in 140 characters about how the Seahawks lost too, and say thank you to everyone. Deeply, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

All of my friends who voted for the initial video submission, thank you. I was overwhelmed with support, and I wouldn’t have gotten to the finals last night without you. Last night Michael, Andy’s kid brother, talked to me after the award was announced and asked: “How did you get so many votes?” And I had to tell him I had no idea. It was just from friends and family. And it surprised me even more than it did him. I never could have imagined so many people would have come out to support me, and it was amazing.

Thank you also to the folks on my sketch team Bellevue, especially our director Brandon Gulya. If it weren’t for them I never would have found these characters, and probably wouldn’t have been able to find my comedic voice that I’m still in search of. But I definitely could not have gone up there last night wearing a plastic beak, a rubber glove on my chin and feathers coming out of my suit sleeves with ANY degree of confidence if Bellevue hadn’t helped me. Dr. Turkey is something I’ve thought about for a long, long time but it was Bellevue and Gulya who helped me hone it into something that wasn’t just turkey puns and inane gobbling.

And thank you to everyone at the show last night. And to the UCB community. And to the UCB. And especially Melinda Taub, one of the funniest people I know, who had to listen to me mull over this stuff for weeks. I am so very lucky.

Thank you to everyone. I am so full of joy and gratefulness. And now I think I’ll go for a walk and listen to R.E.M. It seems fit.

Dr. Turkey Presents: Creationism is Real

Here’s a sketch I wrote for Bellevue’s Maude show back in August. I have been thinking about this sketch for over a year, and I think it is somehow the smartest thing AND the dumbest thing I’ve ever written.

I wanted to make this a one man show… I don’t know if it has any legs. BUT I THINK I’M GONNA TRY ANYWAY!

ucbcomedy:

Sketchy Advice: a comedy writing column from UCB Comedy. Established comedy writers from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre offer advice on being creative, the writing process, and adding to a writer’s room.

Mary Lordes is a writer on the UCB Digital Team Brinkman whose first series…

Mary is the fucking best.

coreybrown:

khealywu:

thematthewbriancohen:

jmbent:

williebhines:

nicolemarietherese:

frankhejl:

emilyhoffman:

So good. So, so good.

Spot.On.

This is amazing.

My cats are fine now, btw!

One of the most delightful “inside baseball” moments in a while.

I love that not only are the impressions niche and for a very hyper specific set of people, but so is the subject matter.

This was absolutely fucking incredible. I cackled for 3 minutes straight and now my office thinks I’m insane.

So fucking good!

Now they do, Katey?

I did not know someone could do such an amazingly accurate impression of Patrick Clair. And others. But boy was I surprised at how good that Patrick Clair impression was.

eecunnings:

This is from that much-hyped Daily Show piece featuring embarrassed Washington Redskins fans (which Tumblr won’t let me embed?).  At around 12:00 in that video, a fan claims to be 1/12th Cherokee, and as a 1/12th Cherokee, says the team’s offensive name is not offensive to her.  The segment is great and really made me question some things — mainly HOW IN THE WORLD IS ANYONE 1/12TH ANYTHING?  

Let’s talk numbers.

Everyone has 2 genetic parents.  If one of your parents is from Canada and the other is from America, you are 1/2 Canadian.  

Everyone has 4 genetic grandparents. If one of your grandparents is from Canada and 3 of them are from America, you are 1/4 Canadian. 

Everyone has 8 great-grandparents. If one of your great-grandparents is from Canada, etc., you’re 1/8th Canadian. 

16 great-great-grandparents (your grandparents’ grandparents), you’re 1/16th Canadian.  
If TWO are Canadian, guess what, you’re back to 1/8th Canadian.  
If THREE are, you’re 3/16ths Canadian. 


Fine. (DEEP SIGH)


32 great-great-great-grandparents.  
One makes you 1/32nd Canadian, 
two is 1/16th Canadian, 
three is 3/32nds Canadian, 
four is 1/8th Canadian again.  

DO YOU SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE.  That denominator always has to be the number of ancestors in a generation.  I mean, even think about it another way, for her to be 1/12th Cherokee, was her mother 1/6th Cherokee?  And her grandmother 1/3 Cherokee?  How would that even work?

THEREFORE, WE CAN CONCLUDE THAT:

In order to be 1/12th Cherokee, this person’s great-great-grandparents consisted of four white couples, three white mothers who cloned themselves and one Cherokee mother who also cloned herself.  

Or she doesn’t know who in her family actually was Cherokee, if anyone.  

This is important work being done by Eric. So we should all read it. I should point out I also tried to do the math and failed until I remembered that incest existed. If this woman had a great great grandparent who was Cherokee and singlehandedly responsible for five of her great grandparents it works out. Or if three of her great grandparents were full siblings and half Cherokee it works out. But in any case in order for her to be 1/12th anything… Cousins be fucking.

eecunnings:

This is from that much-hyped Daily Show piece featuring embarrassed Washington Redskins fans (which Tumblr won’t let me embed?).  At around 12:00 in that video, a fan claims to be 1/12th Cherokee, and as a 1/12th Cherokee, says the team’s offensive name is not offensive to her.  The segment is great and really made me question some things — mainly HOW IN THE WORLD IS ANYONE 1/12TH ANYTHING?  
Let’s talk numbers.
Everyone has 2 genetic parents.  If one of your parents is from Canada and the other is from America, you are 1/2 Canadian.  
Everyone has 4 genetic grandparents. If one of your grandparents is from Canada and 3 of them are from America, you are 1/4 Canadian. 
Everyone has 8 great-grandparents. If one of your great-grandparents is from Canada, etc., you’re 1/8th Canadian. 
16 great-great-grandparents (your grandparents’ grandparents), you’re 1/16th Canadian.  
If TWO are Canadian, guess what, you’re back to 1/8th Canadian.  
If THREE are, you’re 3/16ths Canadian. 
Fine. (DEEP SIGH)
32 great-great-great-grandparents.  
One makes you 1/32nd Canadian, 
two is 1/16th Canadian, 
three is 3/32nds Canadian, 
four is 1/8th Canadian again.  
DO YOU SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE.  That denominator always has to be the number of ancestors in a generation.  I mean, even think about it another way, for her to be 1/12th Cherokee, was her mother 1/6th Cherokee?  And her grandmother 1/3 Cherokee?  How would that even work?
THEREFORE, WE CAN CONCLUDE THAT:
In order to be 1/12th Cherokee, this person’s great-great-grandparents consisted of four white couples, three white mothers who cloned themselves and one Cherokee mother who also cloned herself.  
Or she doesn’t know who in her family actually was Cherokee, if anyone.  

This is important work being done by Eric. So we should all read it.

I should point out I also tried to do the math and failed until I remembered that incest existed. If this woman had a great great grandparent who was Cherokee and singlehandedly responsible for five of her great grandparents it works out. Or if three of her great grandparents were full siblings and half Cherokee it works out. But in any case in order for her to be 1/12th anything… Cousins be fucking.

Above is a link to the entire playlist of Brinkman’s first webseries PACT. 

Now if you’ll allow me to indulge real quick: I love this team, and I love this series. I cannot believe the extraordinary talent of absolutely everyone involved. When Brinkman was figuring out what series we were going to work on first we picked the one that we A) liked the best, and B) was the easiest production wise. Little did we know how huge of a project it was going to be. 7 shooting days, so many locations, child actors, everything about it was grand in scale, and it pushed everyone on the team to new levels of both work and stress. But boy am I happy we went for it.

Denis and Sean, our DP/Directors made it look so fantastic. I never thought I would be in a webseries that physically looked this good. 

Jake, Shebs, Mary and Chet did an amazing job producing it. There were so many little things that needed to happen, and when we were on set it ran so smoothly. It was incredible.

Alex is a master editor. Him (along with Denis and Sean) really made this feel like a serious film and brought out humor in places I never thought was possible.

Chet is incredible on camera. Along with all of our cast. Ashley, Josh, Ken, Nate, all incredible.

And Mary and Shebs were a dream to work with in the writer’s room. I did not know them that well when our team was put together, and my life was WORSE BECAUSE OF IT. They are amazingly smart writers, so funny, and all three of us worked as a unit in such a fulfilling way.

I’m very proud of PACT. And I hope you can take the time to watch it. And I really think the final scene of the entire series is one of the best things I’ve ever been apart of. I love it so much. Thank you everyone!

Brinkman is Denis Cardineau, Dru Johnston, Jake Kalos, Mary Lordes, Alex Meyers, Jason Shebiro, Chet Siegel and Sean Weiner.

ucbcomedy:

The fourth part of PACT is available now! 

Greg is having the worst day…

I wrote this final episode of PACT and I’m very happy with how it turned out. The folks on Brinkman are the absolute best and they made this series look and feel so fucking great. Also Mary and Shebs were wonderful to work with in the writing room, and Chet is a dream and Jake and Alex and Denis and Sean all of them are just the best and please watch!

It’s the FINALE!

I’m a natural business man.

I’m a natural business man.

partytomatoes:

dkthingsetc:

Vote for Dru! And also watch all the other videos they’re also good but vote for Dru.

Dru for president

This is so nice. Thank you guys! I am very grateful!

(Source: dancingwithleland)

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